While I'm not normally this pervy (in public), I don't think that I can refrain any longer. It's true; I would indeed kiss Nixie Pixel right on the face.

For those unaware, Nixie is a lovely young woman with a Youtube channel and a show (or two, or more -- I don't pay much attention) on Revision 3. On top of this, she covers quite a lot of topics near and dear to my heart, such as games and Linux.

"So wait," you start, "there's a person who's female, attractive, and is 'in to' gaming and Linux?"

"Indeed!" shout I, with perhaps more gusto than strictly necessary.

"Why then have you not spoken of her before?" you submit, a perfectly reasonable question.

The answer to this is manifold. Firstly, I am not given to going on about 'celebrity' crushes. Possessing one of these crushes is pointless enough, but to write about it (or read about it; shame on you) is even worse. I respect your time, dear reader, and as such I feel obligated not to write about things that don't matter. Far better to stick with the important things like Skyrim and Dwarf Fortress.

Secondly, while the temptation has always been there to leave lewd comments on her videos (I manage to restrain myself, but only barely), I've never felt a specific urge to use my lips on her so much as my penis in her, if you get what I'm saying, wink wink nudge nudge. A man talking about how he'd like to pee in a lady's butt is so commonplace that, once again, there would be no point to my sounding off on the issue unless perhaps I knew the aforementioned lady in real life.

Third, and perhaps most importantly, is that I never came to respect Nixie's output until fairly recently. A lot of this has to do with the fact that a number of years ago, she seemed like yet another chesty Youtube bimbo, albeit with a unique twist (the whole 'Linux' thing). She wasn't quite as bad as a reply-girl, but it seemed like maybe she went to the same meetings they did if you follow me, wink wink nudge nudge.

(Alright I'll stop that.)

Can you blame me for feeling that way? Only if you're a stupid asshole, because she certainly possessed a number of similar 'tricks.' Tank tops with plunging necklines? Check. Coy "fuck me" eyes and soft, tender-looking lips that just seemed to beg "please James, lift up your gut and put both rock-hard inches inside me before I explode"? Check. Liberal use of hand gestures that always managed to draw the eye deeper and deeper into her cleavage, almost like she worked on an aircraft carrier but instead of a landing strip it was boobs? Check. And really, how many times per episode can a person get so excited about open-source software that they bounce up and down, jiggling exquisite breasts in the process? I don't know, but I always managed to forget whatever else she was talking about. So... succulent and nubile, so silky smooth and perfect, so...

HAHA, OH WOW, WHO PUT A BONER IN MY PANTS!? No fair, I wasn't looking. ;^)

What the fuck. Do you see what you've done to me, Nixie? I just used a smiley in my post. Next thing I'll be 'LOL'ing all over the place and 'LMFAO'ing down the street, or however the kids say.

"So why the sudden 180," asks you, my imaginary reader. Also, and I don't mean to come off as pedantic, but questions should end with a question mark and not a comma, otherwise it's read as a statement.

To answer your 'question,' I would say that it hasn't been sudden at all. It started with one of her newer shows, 'Nixie Does Linux.' Perhaps R3's asked her to tone down the cleavage or something, but I'm finding her content is actually much easier to pay attention to when my mind isn't being stolen by her flawless headlights. Nonetheless, I wasn't quite ready to drop my first impression until one day, I realized that I wanted to use the 'find' command. I was also horny I think, and this combination of X-rated fantasizing plus 'Linux shit' made me remember that Nixie has actually made a video on this very subject.

In other words, I was at last forced to admit that, at least at that moment, she made a product that appealed to me like nothing else could, something that was genuinely useful. And if you're wondering, no, I didn't jack off to the video. Sadly, the internet has desensitized me far too much for that to be possible. Maybe one day I'll try, but no time soon I'm afraid.

After this honest-to-god useful video, I found her significantly more endearing than I had previously. She slid a knife through one of the chinks in my armor, and she did it with a smile and a pair of tits that would get thirty men killed in Afghanistan. Also her eyes are pretty. Shut up.

"But wait!" you bellow, "that still does not explain why you write today!"

Indeed it doesn't, gentle reader who doesn't exist and is just me. Today, I was set off by a video that wasn't even especially provocative, but it was (I suppose) the pretty little straw that broke the camel's back.

I watched a video where she was interviewing some guy from the Open Source Initiative, and I found myself transfixed on her blinking. Normally it's not something I pay a lot of attention to, but today, every time her eyes shut, I wanted to place a gentle little kiss just below her eyebrow. Every time. There was something about the angle and the shape of her head and face, the smoothness of the lines, that was getting me hard at just about the dumbest fucking thing imaginable. Really James? Her eyelid? I need to get out of this basement.

Now that I'm on the subject though, it occurs that I haven't yet presented a photograph of this gentle creature. I shall do so now, and in addition to so doing, provide expertly illustrated blueprints indicating the other parts of her body that are due a visit from the mouth and tongue fairy.

Are you ready to receive the photograph? Photograph transmission in 3... 2.... 1...


Oh what the fuck is this shit!? Who's that guy!? You're ruining my scene, man.

I'm sorry for this folks, this is extremely unprofessional. I don't know what I was thinking, I should have vetted this beforehand. Give me a minute to expertly remove the offending parties from the photograph.

Retransmitting photograph in 3... 2... 1...


Shit! What happened here!? I never was very good with computers or computering or photogimp or whatever. I must have used the wrong filters. Let me try to fix this again. Just keep scrolling down, I'll get to it eventually.

No! Not that! The other one!


There we go! Jesus buttfucking christ it's hard to use these things.

I should explain something. Nixie's fortunate. Unlike the majority of women who seem to peak between the ages of 16-19 or so, she's actually gotten more attractive as she's aged. Granted, as far as I know, she might only be 19, so perhaps I'm wrong; point is, I think she's in her twenties, which is good. That means she might even get better, which I'm looking forward to. There aren't a lot of other women who can honestly say "Yeah, I don't miss being 16" other than Mila Kunis (or however you spell it), who didn't get hot until however old she was in Book of Eli.

I'm getting off-topic. What I'm trying to say is that this isn't the best picture of Nixie that's ever been taken, mostly because it isn't a picture so much as me taking a screenshot of a video. And yet, even here we can see some of that glowing near-perfection I spoke of earlier.


According to this analysis, there are no fewer than thirteen (13) regions that require my immediate oral attention, and perhaps one or two or three that need to wait for me in a dark alley. I'm... not quite sure where I'm going with that analogy, so let's look over the data instead of focusing on the obvious rape joke.

A few of these are self-evident: The lips, the cheek, the vagina, the cleavage. Others aren't far from obvious, but might not immediately spring to mind when you're daydreaming of ropes and naked women: The forehead, the chin, the hands, the shoulder. But I'm also given to blue-balled frustration over the little things, details like the bridge of her nose and her armpits (and armpit cracks). Yeah, that might sound a little weird, but in recent years I've found that I'm not alone in seeing something stiffening about a girl's pits.

Who knows? It could be that it's got the same sort of 'general shape,' when closed, as a number of other important lady bits: Labia, buttcrack, horizontal lips, cleavage, etc.. Lines are important and it doesn't take a lot to get a guy's attention. Even when open, though, I sometimes find myself desiring to just sort of bury my face into a cute girl's armpit. The internet has taught me that I'm not alone, although there aren't as many who share this particular (albeit minor) fetish as I would have assumed. And of course, this is assuming the pit is clean-shaven; apparently, most people with a 'pit fetish' like 'em hairy.

"Uh, this is getting a little weird with the armpit stuff," you fumble awkwardly, "can we maybe move on?"

Sure. Sure.

Here's another picture with more titty and more pitty (hawhaw).


Another nice thing about this photograph, other than the obvious, is that it does a better job of showing off her eyes than the last one. However, since I can't grab two handfuls of her eyes and squeeze (without seriously injuring the poor girl at least), we'll forget those for now because they're (mostly) less interesting than her lady lumps.



Side note: Is anyone else having a problem with Gimp 2.8 and a weird anti-aliasing bug with white text? There are work-arounds (using black text and then inverting it), but it annoyed me enough that I had to reinstall 2.6. Lame.

Anyway, as this new analysis shows, there are still no shortage of areas that need the gentle caress of my fat, hairy face.

All in all, I can find no better picture of Nixie Pixel, and having thoroughly analyzed both of these screenshots, I think it's safe to say that I need to save up $100,000 and offer it to her in exchange for three days of sex. I haven't yet installed a donate button on this site, but let's pretend I'm about to and all of you start saving up your money for when I finally get around to it. I even have a camera, and have once or twice accidentally taken sort of okay pictures with it. I think you know where I'm going with this... I bring the camera to the hotel room, and then we talk about cameras and I leave after being too cowardly to ask to pay her for sex. Foolproof.

Alright, it may be obvious by now that I've stopped trying to make a point and have instead just been ogling pictures of this woman for the last little bit. Instead of scrolling all the way back up and trying to find out out what it was I set out to say, I'm just going to link you to a couple of her things and leave it at that. Have a nice evening (or 11:00 AM, whatever) folks, I've got to go to bed.

Nixie Does Linux - Her Linux show

Talk Nerdy to Me - Her other show that I don't usually watch

Nixie Pixel (twitter) - Her Twitter account.


I'll be in my bunk.