CBS Sucks
2010-04-14
(last edited: 2013-03-13)
CBS is the worst network on air today, and home to the shittiest media you'll find outside of youtube. With only a couple of exceptions, there's almost nothing redeemable about their lineup. The easiest way to go over this is in list form, so let's begin, shall we?
Game shows / Talk shows:
Who cares about this shit?
Soap Operas:
These are always all bad, without exception - but I can't blame CBS for that, so we'll just move on.
Reality TV:
The worst thing that's ever happened to the entertainment industry.
News:
Anything that isn't tabloid is still leftist trash, so we'll just skip this one as well.
Drama:
A FLOOD OF TERRIBLE MICHAEL BAY-STYLED CRIME DRAMAS. Jesus dickfucking christ. There are two shows that aren't crime dramas, however... one is an E.R. ripoff, and the other is a show about ghosts. Actually, the ghost one's also kind of a crime drama. Fuck CBS and everyone who works there.
Sitcoms:
Sitcoms? More like shitcoms. From longest-running to newest:
1) Two and a Half Men: This show has a reputation for being bad, and there are a number of reasons for that. The biggest reason is because Family Guy said it's bad, and as we all know, Seth McFarlane has very refined tastes when it comes to sitcoms. Another reason for its reputation is because it is, in fact, a pretty mediocre cookie-cutter sitcom. The third reason is due to two of the main actors: Charlie Sheen and Some Kid Who's Not a Kid Anymore. The only thing worse than a child actor is a child actor who grows into an awkward teenage actor, who actually seems to lose his comedic timing more and more the older he gets.
Truth be told, though, this show isn't as bad as advertised. It has its moments, and while they're both predictable and rare (more rare now that the "cute kid" has grown up), they're capable of being genuinely humourous. At the end of the day, this is one of CBS' strongest sitcoms. Whether this says something good about the show or something horrible about CBS is up to you (I say both).
2) How I Met Your Mother: This show is goddamn terrible, and yet inexplicably, has managed to garner a dedicated fanbase of assholes that like shitty TV. By no stretch is it the worst show on CBS, but it's nothing special either. It's sort of like how all you console-tards loved Halo, even though there was nothing special about it at all except for gay Fisher-Price guns that put bullets (or magic pixie dust, depending on the gun) in enemies that acted like they were directed by George Lucas who piloted vehicles that looked like they were made by Mattel etc. etc. etc.. To be fair, Halo did actually have a few redeeming qualities; if nothing else, there wasn't much else like it on consoles.
How I Met Your Mother, on the other hand, is exactly like every other shitty modern sitcom. A cast that consists of nothing but smug yet mostly forgettable 20-or-30-something assholes, stupid scenarios that don't really end up affecting anything important from episode to episode, a premise that's designed to intrigue the audience yet only acts to annoy us from episode to episode, and Canadians. It's also written by (and for) the "modern male," which is to say, pants-wetting hoplophobes who hike up their skirts and hide behind their women when faced with any sort of adversity.
However, I did say that this show isn't the worst, and here's why: Neil Patrick Harris. NPH is almost always great, and his character in this show is actually pretty funny. Maybe it's just because he reminds me a lot of one of my friends, but he is the sole factor that makes the show worth tolerating - well, almost worth tolerating. Oh, and it's also got that pussy flute chick and that guy who flashed his dick in a romantic comedy that I forget the name of. I guess they're okay.
This show wants to be Seinfeld so bad it hurts to watch, and it fails in basically every way. Still, a shitty Seinfeld ripoff is still leagues better than...
3) The New Adventures of Old Christine: Uggghhh. Fans, writers and producers of this, do me a favor and just fucking die already. This show is exactly as funny as every other show or movie about some quirky bitch who's going through an (almost) mid-life crisis and laments the fact that she's aging; not at all. The show sucks, the writing sucks, and the premise isn't funny or charming in any way. The characters are so stock that literally the only character from the show I can remember at all is the main actress, and I've seen probably five episodes by now.
I'd write more about it, but I dodge this shit like the plague, so I honestly don't know much more about it. Skip this show at all costs.
4) Rules of Engagement: Middle of the road. Half the characters are completely worthless and replaceable, but it's got Patrick Warburton, David Spade and some "british" Indian guy who's actually not terrible. What it all boils down to, though, is still just Patrick Warburton being the man, while pretending not to be the man to get pussy. There's nothing surprising or amazing about anything in this show, but its cast puts it far above the likes of Old Christine. Or How I Met Your Mother, for that matter. That being said, it's still basically not worth watching.
5) The Big Bang Theory: This is the best sitcom. No shit, it's easily the best thing on CBS, Fox or NBC. It's good enough that I'm actually willing to rent/buy the DVDs, and for a sitcom, that's fucking unprecedented. Now, that isn't to say that it's revolutionary in format, or that the jokes aren't mostly predictable, or that it's terribly original, etc., but for what it is, it's well-done. A lot of the humor is pretty standard, but the type of humor (nerd humor) is still relatively new in the weird alternate reality of sitcoms, where everyone is a model, never really needs a job, and fucks a new model girlfriend every other day.
So why is this show good if it is, admittedly, pretty standard? Well, as mentioned, it's got a style of humor that does it for me. That's obviously subjective though, so what else? The characters. I like all of them, even the token woman-as-scenery hot chick. You've got the relatable, almost-normal main protagonist nerd, the super-nerd who's basically Spock except without common sense, the jew nerd (lololol), the Indian nerd, and the chick. The weakest character by far is the chick, and even then, she's a stronger character that just about anything else (not on this show) on this list with only a couple exceptions. She's a bimbo compared to the nerds, but not compared to most people.
The nerds, except for the protagonist, wear their character traits on their sleeves but still come out feeling real and relatable. The jew nerd is... jewwy and would-be womanizing, the Indian nerd - who I'm not sure, but I think is supposed to be the token "minority" - is the shy foreigner, and the super-nerd is the source of almost all the show's awkward funny situations, since he acts unlike most other non-/b/tard humans.
The chick is the other source of drama on the show, since the protagonist wants to fuck her. Well, actually, he's managed to win her over recently, so that source of conflict is mostly gone, but I'm not complaining. It felt a bit contrived, anyway. I haven't kept up, to be honest... I'm just waiting for it to come out on disc.
The show isn't for everybody, but if seeing a bunch of nerds fighting because they all want to cosplay as The Flash is your cup of tea, give it a shot. The laugh track is the worst part by far.
6) Gary Unmarried: I'm not going to lie, I've seen bits and pieces of this show and still don't really know what the fuck it's about. I know it stars Jay Moore, who I like as a comedian but don't like as an anything else. I think it's kind of like Old Christine, except with a guy instead. I'm not sure. If that is the case, then it's still undoubtedly better, since women on TV almost never know how to be funny.
I can't compare this to the other shows, but I'm still going to say skip it.
7) Accidentally on Purpose: Speaking of women not knowing how to be funny, let's talk about the worst show on CBS. This is another show that's like Old Christine, except this one starts off with the protagonist getting knocked up by a "younger guy." Oh boy, another aging woman show, except this one fancies herself a "cougar"... sort of. What the fuck is up with CBS? Are they staffed entirely by ex-writers from the vagina monologues and the dude responsible for Rosanne? What's with all these goddamn shows about women getting older, or shows where the gimmick is a younger wife vs. an older wife, etc.? News flash, women get older and nobody cares except the women in question. In fact, and I could be wrong here, but I think men get older too. See, I think I've spotted a big problem with CBS programming... they've got their gender roles all mixed up.
Nobody cares about men on TV who are younger than 30 or so, because nobody under 30 knows shit about shit, except me obviously. 20-somethings are only good as eye-candy, and men are ugly to begin with, so what's the point? With women, that's okay, because they're almost always just eye-candy anyway. They're interesting because they look good, and every day an actress ages is a day she becomes less and less interesting, unless she - god forbid - has a talent that doesn't revolve around her good looks, which 90% of any actresses you can name don't.
Let's go over a few examples. Quick, name an awesome male actor who's under 30. You can't, can you? That's because Christopher Walken isn't under 30, and neither is Sean Connery, or Jean-Luc Picard. Now, name an actress who would still be "talented" even if she gained 200 pounds. Better yet, I'll do it for you: Felicia Day, the fat chick from 'Bridesmaids', and... um... Kathy Bates. Notice that Jennifer Aniston is nowhere near that list. Well, okay, Pussy-flute is okay too.
Where the fuck was I going with this? Oh, right. Accidentally on Purpose is a horrible show with an unfunny lead, completely pointless supporting cast, idiotic premise, mind-numbingly stupid title, etc. This is the worst show I've ever seen, and I think I can safely say that watching this show is worse than having cancer.