Tara

2011-09-18

Dreams starring Tara are rarely any fun for me.

For some strange reason, I hardly remembered this one at all. I woke up probably about ten or fifteen minutes ago with a sinking feeling that I was forgetting something important, but couldn't for the life of me recall what it might be. Given my obsession, however, it wasn't so long before her name ran shouting through the back of my mind - more a beautiful creature of habit than anything else - and brought the dream back to the surface of my consciousness in an instant.

That's not to say that things get much better from here, though. Who knows? Maybe I had the dream hours and hours ago, or maybe my brain is just sick and fucking tired of this woman bogarting so much of its time and is trying to force her out. I can hardly remember anything about the dream, other than (funnily enough) the fact that it was heart-wrenchingly vivid, tangible almost in how real it felt. I don't even really want to be here writing about it, but I feel like I have to before I forget it entirely. This dream just does not want to be remembered.

This almost feels more epitaph than log entry.


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I was upstairs in the dining room, sitting at the head of the table because that has the most comfortable chair and it's just where I like to sit. Everything was a bit dimmer than normal, though I wouldn't say that it was dark necessarily. The lighting was at such a level that one might assume people were trying to sleep or something.

Devin and his sister were in this one again. I have no idea why they seem to be popping up in my dreams so goddamn often. Devin's sister was in the living room looking for the remote (I think) for, more or less, the entire dream. Devin sat to my left initially, telling me about how he was going to invite someone else over to meet me because he figured I'd get along with her pretty well.

Before too long, in one of the few times she wasn't in the living room, Katie ushered Tara over to the table and introduced us to each other. Turns out that in this dream world, Tara was her sister. I was pretty shocked by this turn of events, and was screaming at Devin in my head ('in my head' in the dream) over it. How could he have never mentioned such a thing?

I can't recall his words exactly, but the gist of it was that he was certain we'd get along, and found it strange that I had never met this 'new' sister of his until just then. After his monologue, he got up and went to aid Katie in the living room, perhaps annoyed at her inability to find the remote control. With this, Tara and I were left alone at the table.

We found each other locked into a staring contest, exchanging knowing looks and whispering things under our breath. I don't know what either of us said, especially her. I don't remember a single word from her. In fact, I can't even recall if she and I truly spoke to one another at all. I really wish I could.

Despite the apparently lack of verbal communication, there was some amount of understanding between us. Neither of us had told anyone present (there were one or two people other than Devin and Katie, but I can't remember who) about our history, what little of it there was. In fact, neither of us wanted any of them to know.

There was an overwhelming urge that I had, a desire to reach out and touch her. Not in a sexual way, but just... I wanted to extend a hand and place it on her arm, or her shoulder. I wanted to lean in and tell her how much I missed her, tell her how wonderful it was to see her despite the gnawing pain at the bottom of my stomach. I wanted to pull her close to me and hug her, tell her not to leave. I wanted her to stay so badly that I was practically tearing up in the dream, staring into her eyes with what was no doubt a desperate look in my own.

She felt this urge in me, the want of mine to seal this weeping gash. Nonetheless, she knew better. She was logical enough to realize that things weren't going to work, that I was just going to fuck things up again and cause us both too much grief with whatever bullshit I'd bring to the table. Every day, my little crush would wear on her incessantly. There was a look of sadness in her eyes - or maybe it was pity - as she got up from the table and walked away. She said her farewells to everyone in the room and left, after somehow making it clear that she would not be returning, ever. She would not become a part of 'the group,' she would not become a part of my life.

Devin gave me kind of an odd look and sat down to my left again. I can't recall any words, but I get the impression that it was a "What the hell did you say to her" kind of discussion. And here, the dream ends.