Stop talking about your kids

2012-06-27

One of the worst things about being a late-20-something is that, as well, most of the women I know are similarly aged. Sure, on the surface this might not seem like such a bad thing; no longer am I beset by stupid teenagers with boyfriend drama, or 'clever' quotes scribbled into heavily-photoshopped images. Unfortunately, there is a new and disturbing trend that's been recurring for a good few years now: Mothers and their children.

Listen, I'm not a guy who 'hates kids.' No kids, no human race, I get it. In fact, I would take it a step further and bring politics into it as well. From now on, any woman getting an abortion should be charged with both murder and treason (except in cases of life or death or if the baby would be retarded, because who wants to deal with that shit). Murder is the obvious one, sure, but "why treason?" you ask. Let's face facts, American women are cancelling babies faster than illegals can replenish them. Even with their '1 child' policy, China just keeps growing and growing. Other than poisonous toys (to kill our American children) and cheap electronics (to kill our American industry), China's biggest export are Chinese penises to impregnate our women. Oh, you crafty bastards.

Every American child who's torn to pieces inside the womb is a child who's made way for a Chinese infiltrator. No sir, not on my watch! Every act of infanticide to one's own brood is a slap across Uncle Sam's face, and his face is stained with the dried blood of half a dozen Holocausts' worth of foetuses.

I guess what I'm trying to say, women, is shut the fuck up about your kids on Facebook. I don't give a shit if little Tommy 'was so good' in the car, I don't give a shit if he just ate a big breakfast, and I give the least amount of shit if he keeps crying and keeping you awake. No shit! That's what babies do you loopy bitch. Maybe if you were smart, you'd be more careful about making sure he sleeps on his stomach all the time. He'll stop crying pretty soon, I bet.

Oh, and stop begging your friends to babysit over Facebook. No. You have a kid now, and it was probably a 'girl's night out' that got you into that situation to begin with. The best thing you can do is to give up on the dream of being young, sexy, crazy, or any of that other bullshit, because honestly you're probably fat now anyway, and nobody cares. You'll just end up in another whirlwind romance, just like in the movies, except this time Mr. Right (who is your soulmate for sure) will punch you around, knock you up and leave your ass just as soon as he's bored, just like Mr. Ex-Right, and just like all the other future uncles you'll no doubt introduce your delinquent child to.

I can't remember where I was going with this. Long story short, shut up.